Working Things Out

Friday, May 29, 2009

I hate to use this blog as a venting post, but it seems to work for me for the time being. I just need to get some things off my chest.

It's no secret that I've been dealing with depression. I have for a long time. I'm usually fine, for the most part, but once in awhile I'll have a "freak-out" - kind of like what I had the other night. I let my thoughts and feelings over-run me and it gets me into trouble. It's really starting to effect all aspects of my life - my marriage, my parenting, and my Walk. Matt, who's seen me at my worst, helped put it in a Biblical light last night as we were getting ready to fall asleep.

(To my brothers and sisters - if I'm wrong on something, please let me know.) The heart is the root of all sin (Jeremiah 17:9). You can commit murder in your heart (Matthew 21-22) and commit adultery in your heart (Matthew 27-28), therefore anything that comes from the heart that isn't of the Holy Spirit is evil. We shouldn't rely on feelings and emotions because they come from our wicked, sinful hearts. Instead, we should keep our minds captive to God and His Word (2 Corinthians 10:5) so we don't give the Devil a chance to try and throw us from the path of righteousness (Ephesians 4:27). I'm allowing myself to be thrown from the path by letting my mind wander in the heart's territory. I rely too heavily on my emotions, which only bring doubt and condemnation to my life. Therefore, I am sinning.

Why am I telling you all this? My thoughts and feelings torment me and can send me into a violent downward spiral. I very rarely have peace. I need your prayers and I need to be held accountable so I can make the needed changes. I'm tired of being unhappy. I'm tired of shoving the crazy back deep inside, hoping and praying that it won't rear it's ugly head again anytime soon. Please pray for me as I deal with with this sin so it stops running my life and ruining my relationships. I'm really struggling with this and I can't go it alone. I just want to be a good wife, mother, and Servant.