I did something last night that I vowed I would never do, but the lack of sleep and constant screaming made me crack. After many, many failed attempts to feed Robby from the breast, I finally turned to it's enemy - formula.
I admit it was out of desperation. I knew he was starving, I wasn't able to provide fast enough or enough in general, and I knew that both of those factors were probably why he wasn't having a bowel movement since last Monday. I solemnly went to the kitchen, screaming child in arm, and made a bottle. The poor little guy sucked it down like he hadn't eaten in weeks and quickly fell fast asleep. Later on, I had to make him another bottle after fighting him for almost an hour and he finally had bowel movement - a brown, gooey mess I was more than willing to clean up at 3am just out of joy that he finally had gone.
It made me feel better knowing he was finally satisfied, but I still feel like I failed him. I wanted to breastfeed and never use formula, even as a supplement, but pride should never replace necessity. My child was starving and I just couldn't provide. I feel like crap about the whole thing. Luckily, I have a WIC meeting tonight, so hopefully they can guide me on what to do. I have a pump and have tried to express my milk, but I just never get enough to make a difference. I'm tried of fighting with him everytime he's hungry, too. He screams when he doesn't get milk instantly, finally eats for a minute or two, then either falls off and starts all over again or falls asleep and wakes up hungry 30 minutes or less later. It's so frustrating. I'll keep trying. I can't afford formula.
[Edit] I just had a reassuring talk with my grandma (thank you again SO much, Grams) about this situation. I guess the low milk production runs in the family, if that's possible. Her, my mother, and my aunt all had issues producing and had to switch to formula as well, so that just might be my fate. If it is, it is. I'll do anything for my baby boy. I hate seeing him miserable and I refuse to let my pride make him starve.
I'll probably still continue to pump as much as I can and give it to him, but he'll be getting formula unless anything changes.
[Edit] Robby just gave me the best reassurance ever. After another formula feeding, he was quiet, alert, and even a little playful. He just kept looking up at me with those sweet, little eyes as if to say, "thank you!". I actually enjoy our time together, now, instead of dread the sound of his stirring.
Nothing about this experience has been what I had expected, but I know God had it planned out exactly as it is for a reason and I take comfort in that.
