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| God is greater than our highs and lows. |
But first, a little backstory about my "journey" through depression, to show I "get it". My earliest memory of wanting to take my life occurred around the age of seven. I remember laying on my bedroom floor, bawling, and begging God to kill me. I don't even remember the circumstances or what sent me in a spiral, but seven-years-old. Let that sink in. Most seven-year-old girls are playing Barbie and dressing up like princesses, but me -- I wanted to die. I have struggled with depression and thoughts of suicide my whole preteen, teen, and adult life. A handful of times, those thoughts turned into actions through self harm and attempted overdose. By the grace of God, I didn't succeed. I have run the gamut of potential cures over the years: medication, counseling, binge drinking -- you name it, I tried it. Everything was only a "band-aid solution" and very temporary. Drugs made me chemically happy, but mostly numb, and the side effects were worse than the symptoms. Counselling was uncomfortable and awkward. Binge drinking...well, that's just dumb. Nothing worked. I still hated myself and wanted to die. I punished myself by cutting and hitting my face. I never felt like I deserved God's love, let alone His grace. In the winter of 2016, I hit my lowest of lows. I stopped eating. I stopped getting out of bed. I stopped caring. If I could have managed it, I would have willed my heart to stop beating. I was deep in a dark pit and couldn't get out. I have found myself in that pit several times in my life, but I've always managed to pull myself out, somehow. This time, it was different. I was tired of trying to claw up the side of that pit. So, I just laid there at the bottom, waiting to die. I have only seen my husband cry a handful of times, but through my fog, I clearly saw him laying beside me, tears in his eyes, begging me to live. Somehow, it sparked something inside me and I began to think about things I had never thought of before: my life doesn't belong to me. It belongs to my husband, my kids, and, most importantly, my God.
This is where the perspective comes in.
In this world of "all about me", people are looking to themselves for their source of joy and salvation, wondering why they can't find any hope or solace. While in the depths of my depression, I find myself looking inward when I should be looking outward and up. If you're constantly looking within for strength, answers, salvation, forgiveness, or grace, you will be disappointed every single time, guaranteed. At our best, we are still broken, imperfect, and sinful beings, incapable of saving anyone, let alone ourselves. We are foolish and selfish to think that this life that God has given us is purely ours, that its absence will not affect anyone, and that we can do with it as we please, including ending it.
Life is a lot like a story, and like any good story, the plot has its highs and lows. Without those things, the reader cannot appreciate the creativity and care of the author. God is the Author of our stories and we have no right to end that story mid-chapter; we are merely characters. Even at Jesus' lowest, rock bottom moment on the cross, He still looked up and praised His Father in Heaven. I think this speaks volumes, that we have a compassionate, empathetic, and sinless Savior. He truly meets us where we're at, understanding completely the depths of our despair, graciously directing our eyes Heavenward. Hebrews chapter 4, verses 15 and 16, so beautifully illustrate this for us: "For we do not have a high priest who cannot sympathize with our weaknesses, but One who has been tempted in all things as we are, yet without sin. Therefore let us draw near with confidence to the throne of grace, so that we may receive mercy and find grace to help in time of need."
For some, depression is a season, but for people like me, it's a lifelong struggle. I have fully accepted the fact that I will always have depression; it will always be the thorn in my side. The only thing I can do is choose to either let it take me or to stand up and fight for another day. So, my suggestion to you, if you find yourself in the dark pit today: change your perspective. Get out of your head. Start small, if you must. Listen to an edifying podcast. Listen to uplifting Christian music (bonus points for singing along). Use your God-given gifts to bless someone else. Give yourself visual reminders, if need be (I have a tattoo on my forearm that reminds me to fight -- yours doesn't have to be so drastic/permanent). Read a devotional. Read the Word (read the Psalms -- David definitely understood depression). Prioritize your life and ask yourself, "What am I deeming more important than God?" Whatever that answer may be might actually be the source of your depression. We are not guaranteed happiness and peace in this life, but in light of eternity, this life is so short. If we come to God in repentance and faith, even in our darkest moments, He gives us grace, forgiveness, strength, love, and unspeakable joys in that eternity. He will never turn away any who come to Him in faith (“All that the Father gives Me will come to Me, and the one who comes to Me I will certainly not cast out." John 6:37). But it's up to God to decide when that eternity should begin; all we can do is trust in that timing, no matter what.
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For some, depression is a season, but for people like me, it's a lifelong struggle. I have fully accepted the fact that I will always have depression; it will always be the thorn in my side. The only thing I can do is choose to either let it take me or to stand up and fight for another day. So, my suggestion to you, if you find yourself in the dark pit today: change your perspective. Get out of your head. Start small, if you must. Listen to an edifying podcast. Listen to uplifting Christian music (bonus points for singing along). Use your God-given gifts to bless someone else. Give yourself visual reminders, if need be (I have a tattoo on my forearm that reminds me to fight -- yours doesn't have to be so drastic/permanent). Read a devotional. Read the Word (read the Psalms -- David definitely understood depression). Prioritize your life and ask yourself, "What am I deeming more important than God?" Whatever that answer may be might actually be the source of your depression. We are not guaranteed happiness and peace in this life, but in light of eternity, this life is so short. If we come to God in repentance and faith, even in our darkest moments, He gives us grace, forgiveness, strength, love, and unspeakable joys in that eternity. He will never turn away any who come to Him in faith (“All that the Father gives Me will come to Me, and the one who comes to Me I will certainly not cast out." John 6:37). But it's up to God to decide when that eternity should begin; all we can do is trust in that timing, no matter what.
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