Alright, Becky. Just for you.
This morning I had a horrid dream that really shook me up. Normally, I would have probably would have thought it was an odd one and then went on with my morning, but my current hormonal state - or should I say, unstable state - has caused me to be quite...shall we say, "volatile"? After having a decent-sized pregnancy meltdown last night, the dream in question wasn't met well when I woke up this morning.
In this dream, I ended up meeting up with Matt on a train. No big deal, right? He was with his wife and children. Yeah, that's where it gets interesting. I had come into this dream with assumption that Matt and I were married. Wrong. He knew who I was, but only as the wicked ex-girlfriend that had broken his heart a long time ago and I was greeted with some surprise and and slight trepidation. Come to find out, we never did get married. I had declined his marriage proposal that night and we ended up going our separate ways; him continuing on with college, becoming very successful in his career, marrying a gorgeous, thin woman, and then fathering four beautiful children - all dark-haired and brown-eyed just like him. I kept yelling at him, "But you married me! That isn't your wife! These aren't your kids! Robby's your son! And we're about to have another!" At this point, his wife started to shield their children from me as her eyes darted between her husband and my mid-section. I followed her gaze down. No baby bump. It's also at this point I started panicking, wondering where Robby was. My whole world was falling apart. No husband, no son, no baby, no comprehension, no sense - nothing! The train stopped and Matt and his family started to get up and leave. He looked at me with sad eyes and said, "I hope you find what you're looking for...and some help." He didn't say it mockingly. Only in his loving genuine concern voice that so often comforts me now. I wept. Thankfully, it's at this point I woke up, only to find my bed empty. I knew Matt was at work and I could hear Robby happily chatter away on the baby monitor, but I still wanted to cry.
I got up, put on my glasses, and headed for Robby's room. He looked at me with much concern, probably wondering why his mother was sobbing like a baby. I got him dressed and prepared his breakfast. As I sat him down in his highchair to eat, he looked around the room and out spilled those two innocent, yet striking words - "Where Daddy?" Now, of all days, my son decides to start speaking in two-worded sentences! I lost it again and decided now would be a good time to call Matt. I knew he was there and I knew he was mine, but I just wanted to hear his voice. Thankfully, like in the dream, he didn't mock me, but did see the irony in our son's comment, as did my friend, Becky. "...you have to admit, that was innocent, EXCELLENT timing on Robby's part, " she told me this morning, after sharing the whole experience on Facebook. "I believe God has a sense of humor."
I agreed, but this has had me pondering a lot today. I admit the thought of God poking fun at my expense made me kind of cranky for awhile, but then it made me realize the real point. Whether it was the intention of the dream or not, it was snapping me back into reality and making me see the foolishness of my thoughts and worries and how I take for granted the blessings in my life. During my meltdown last night, I was fretting over Drew coming and how hard it was going to be to care for two kids and how I wasn't ready because I still had so much to do and...yada yada yada. Silly things! God blessed me with this whole experience and I'm fretting over getting the pantry in the kitchen clean? As my friend also told me, "Your husband's love for you radiates, Jenn. You are a blessed lady." God could have very easily NOT blessed me with this life with Matt. We could have met, dated, and then went our separate ways like in the dream, but that didn't happen. No. God brought us together, kept us together, saved us both, saved our marriage, and now is about to bless us with a second child. Not only is that an immense, undeserved blessing, but I have the PRIVILEGE to be this wonderful man's wife and to raise his children when someone else could have very easily taken my place. I let anxiety cause me to stumble once more and I lost perspective on just how much God has given me. I GET to be a mother again, when only 2 1/2 years ago I was considered "barren". I GET to make my husband a father again, when once the guilt of not being able to consumed me. I GET to raise these children and share in the joys and sorrows of parenthood with him. And, most importantly, I GET to glorify God in ALL of it. What a privilege! So, to answer my son's question, Daddy's at work for the time being, but here with us by the grace of God.
Oh, how I yearn for Heaven, when I can shed this sinful flesh.
