I wanted to be brave and stand and testify about what I'm thankful for at church today, but as past years have shown, that microphone has a habit of making me cry. So, I'll post it here, from the safety and comfort of my empty craft room, where no one can witness the inevitable ugly cry face that will ensue.
As folks stood and shared their stories of trials and praises over the past year, I sat and thought deeply about what I was most thankful for. Salvation definitely makes the top of the list. My loving, patient husband, of course. My hilarious kids, for sure. God's provisions of all my basic needs and then some, no brainer. But what was I TRULY thankful for? And then a still, small voice fluttered through my brain and whispered, "Be thankful for your depression."
Say what?!
"Be thankful for your depression."
I entertained the thought.
It's brought me closer to God; I finally depend on Him more for my source strength and peace. I talk to Him more often and reach out when I'm afraid or sad. I am more thankful for each day I wake up and each moment I draw breath, knowing just one successful attempt could have changed all that. I enjoy the important things more, like loving on my family and allowing them to love on me. I've been pushed out of my comfort zone and found my voice to try to help others. I smile, laugh, and sing more. But most importantly, I've finally opened myself up to God's love and concern for me, a vulnerability that's most uncharacteristic for me. A deep, parental love unlike anything I've experienced before. I finally understand His grace in light of the great price He paid for me. I finally know true freedom and joy. None of that would have happened if it hadn't of been for my depression. I simply would not have been the same person without it.
So, today, I am thankful for my depression. I'm thankful for the heartache and pain. I'm thankful for the valleys, so I can appreciate the mountains. I'm thankful for the darkness, because it helped me find the light. Thank You, Lord, for loving me when I feel unlovable. Thank You for saving me when I thought I was unsaveable. Thank You for being patient with me when I was bullheaded and in denial. Thank You for carrying me when I had given up hope. I know I still have a long road ahead, but I'm more willing and able than ever to fight for each and every step, knowing He is right by my side. Thank You, Lord. Thank You for my depression.
