I wanted to be brave and stand and testify about what I'm thankful for at church today, but as past years have shown, that microphone has a habit of making me cry. So, I'll post it here, from the safety and comfort of my empty craft room, where no one can witness the inevitable ugly cry face that will ensue.

As folks stood and shared their stories of trials and praises over the past year, I sat and thought deeply about what I was most thankful for. Salvation definitely makes the top of the list. My loving, patient husband,  of course. My hilarious kids, for sure. God's provisions of all my basic needs and then some, no brainer. But what was I TRULY thankful for? And then a still, small voice fluttered through my brain and whispered, "Be thankful for your depression."

Say what?!

"Be thankful for your depression."

I entertained the thought.

It's brought me closer to God; I finally depend on Him more for my source strength and peace. I talk to Him more often and reach out when I'm afraid or sad. I am more thankful for each day I wake up and each moment I draw breath, knowing just one successful attempt could have changed all that. I enjoy the important things more, like loving on my family and allowing them to love on me. I've been pushed out of my comfort zone and found my voice to try to help others. I smile, laugh, and sing more. But most importantly, I've finally opened myself up to God's love and concern for me, a vulnerability that's most uncharacteristic for me. A deep, parental love unlike anything I've experienced before. I finally understand His grace in light of the great price He paid for me. I finally know true freedom and joy. None of that would have happened if it hadn't of been for my depression. I simply would not have been the same person without it.

So, today, I am thankful for my depression. I'm thankful for the heartache and pain. I'm thankful for the valleys, so I can appreciate the mountains. I'm thankful for the darkness, because it helped me find the light. Thank You, Lord, for loving me when I feel unlovable. Thank You for saving me when I thought I was unsaveable. Thank You for being patient with me when I was bullheaded and in denial. Thank You for carrying me when I had given up hope. I know I still have a long road ahead, but I'm more willing and able than ever to fight for each and every step, knowing He is right by my side. Thank You, Lord. Thank You for my depression.

NMW Tattoo

I finally got my NMW tattoo!!! Thanks to car issues, my plans of getting it for my birthday got pushed back, but it worked out. I ADORE my tattoo and feels pretty special since I designed it myself! I have other designs in the works, but that will have to wait until we're a little more financially stable. I'm telling you -- it's addictive!

Main Street Trick or Treat

I just love the boys' costume choices this year -- a UPS driver and a mad scientist! Fits them perfectly! It was so much fun putting their costumes together and they were super excited to wear them. We always opt for this event over Halloween because it feels so much safer (i.e. during the day, one street, supervised by many adults and law enforcement). You just can't be too careful, these days, unfortunately.

UPS Buddies

Drew surprised Mr. Scott today by greeting him in his Halloween costume. Scott had the biggest smile on his face! :) We plan on printing and framing this photo and giving it to Scott for his upcoming birthday. I love their friendship! <3

Suicide: Your Life Doesn't Belong to You

God is greater than our highs and lows.

While scrolling through Facebook the other day, I came across a sad statistic: suicide rates are on the rise, nationwide. In our home state of Idaho, we land at number seven for number of suicides compared to the rest of the country. That statistic was taken in 2016, when they figured there were about 21 suicide deaths per 100,000 people in our state, according to the CDC. That's a significant increase from 2005's numbers, which were 16.5 per 100,000.* While 21 out of 100,000 doesn't seem all that bad at a glance, think about that for a moment. Imagine standing in a room of 100,000 people (an introvert's worst nightmare) and 21 one of them just disappear. Poof! Gone. What if one of those people was a loved one? Would that make a difference? Probably. But the main point, in every article I read, people are stumped as to why these numbers are suddenly creeping up. Being a depression sufferer/suicide survivor myself, I gave it some thought and came to one conclusion: it's all about perspective.

But first, a little backstory about my "journey" through depression, to show I "get it". My earliest memory of wanting to take my life occurred around the age of seven. I remember laying on my bedroom floor, bawling, and begging God to kill me. I don't even remember the circumstances or what sent me in a spiral, but seven-years-old. Let that sink in. Most seven-year-old girls are playing Barbie and dressing up like princesses, but me -- I wanted to die. I have struggled with depression and thoughts of suicide my whole preteen, teen, and adult life. A handful of times, those thoughts turned into actions through self harm and attempted overdose. By the grace of God, I didn't succeed. I have run the gamut of potential cures over the years: medication, counseling, binge drinking -- you name it, I tried it. Everything was only a "band-aid solution" and very temporary. Drugs made me chemically happy, but mostly numb, and the side effects were worse than the symptoms. Counselling was uncomfortable and awkward. Binge drinking...well, that's just dumb. Nothing worked. I still hated myself and wanted to die. I punished myself by cutting and hitting my face. I never felt like I deserved God's love, let alone His grace. In the winter of 2016, I hit my lowest of lows. I stopped eating. I stopped getting out of bed. I stopped caring. If I could have managed it, I would have willed my heart to stop beating. I was deep in a dark pit and couldn't get out. I have found myself in that pit several times in my life, but I've always managed to pull myself out, somehow. This time, it was different. I was tired of trying to claw up the side of that pit. So, I just laid there at the bottom, waiting to die. I have only seen my husband cry a handful of times, but through my fog, I clearly saw him laying beside me, tears in his eyes, begging me to live. Somehow, it sparked something inside me and I began to think about things I had never thought of before: my life doesn't belong to me. It belongs to my husband, my kids, and, most importantly, my God.

This is where the perspective comes in.

In this world of "all about me", people are looking to themselves for their source of joy and salvation, wondering why they can't find any hope or solace. While in the depths of my depression, I find myself looking inward when I should be looking outward and up. If you're constantly looking within for strength, answers, salvation, forgiveness, or grace, you will be disappointed every single time, guaranteed. At our best, we are still broken, imperfect, and sinful beings, incapable of saving anyone, let alone ourselves. We are foolish and selfish to think that this life that God has given us is purely ours, that its absence will not affect anyone, and that we can do with it as we please, including ending it.

Life is a lot like a story, and like any good story, the plot has its highs and lows. Without those things, the reader cannot appreciate the creativity and care of the author. God is the Author of our stories and we have no right to end that story mid-chapter; we are merely characters. Even at Jesus' lowest, rock bottom moment on the cross, He still looked up and praised His Father in Heaven. I think this speaks volumes, that we have a compassionate, empathetic, and sinless Savior. He truly meets us where we're at, understanding completely the depths of our despair,  graciously directing our eyes Heavenward. Hebrews chapter 4, verses 15 and 16, so beautifully illustrate this for us: "For we do not have a high priest who cannot sympathize with our weaknesses, but One who has been tempted in all things as we are, yet without sin. Therefore let us draw near with confidence to the throne of grace, so that we may receive mercy and find grace to help in time of need."

For some, depression is a season, but for people like me, it's a lifelong struggle. I have fully accepted the fact that I will always have depression; it will always be the thorn in my side. The only thing I can do is choose to either let it take me or to stand up and fight for another day. So, my suggestion to you, if you find yourself in the dark pit today: change your perspective. Get out of your head. Start small, if you must. Listen to an edifying podcast. Listen to uplifting Christian music (bonus points for singing along). Use your God-given gifts to bless someone else. Give yourself visual reminders, if need be (I have a tattoo on my forearm that reminds me to fight -- yours doesn't have to be so drastic/permanent). Read a devotional. Read the Word (read the Psalms -- David definitely understood depression). Prioritize your life and ask yourself, "What am I deeming more important than God?" Whatever that answer may be might actually be the source of your depression. We are not guaranteed happiness and peace in this life, but in light of eternity, this life is so short. If we come to God in repentance and faith, even in our darkest moments, He gives us grace, forgiveness, strength, love, and unspeakable joys in that eternity. He will never turn away any who come to Him in faith (“All that the Father gives Me will come to Me, and the one who comes to Me I will certainly not cast out." John 6:37). But it's up to God to decide when that eternity should begin; all we can do is trust in that timing, no matter what.

*Source

Rob's First Win!

This kid played hard tonight and is now relishing in his very first win of the season! Go Renegades!

"Official" team photo.

Rob's First Soccer Game

It was so much fun rooting these guys on! They ended up losing by one point, but they played their little hearts out. Go Renegades!

 

First Day of School

Rob is starting 5th and Drew is starting 3rd. They're getting so big!

Grandma & Grandpa Marshall Visit

If you're keeping score at home, that's now THREE sets of faraway family that have come to visit us in the past month! It's been a CRAZY month...and now school is starting. I'm so not ready.

We had a good visit with Matt's folks. It was a little strained at first, due to some conflict in the recent past. This was a visit of mending, though; we all want to make this work, despite history and personality clashes.

We did a lot of sitting and talking and playing games. We got to show them some of the prettier places that Southern Idaho has to offer (yes, they DO exist). It was a sweet time and both Drew and Grandma were in tears by the end of it.

Back to real life.

Rob Starts Soccer

Ever since World Cup fever hit my household, Rob decided that he wanted to try soccer this fall. His father, who played when he was probably around Rob's age, is ecstatic. I'm not sure how I feel about being a soccer mom, yet. But he has a great coach and it's just recreational, so I think he's going to have a great time. I'm proud of him for trying something new.

Grandma & Grandpa Campbell Visit

My folks make the trek to come see us every year and it's always a special time. This time was no different. Unfortunately, due to our crazy busy summer, Matt and I were really beat. Thankfully, my folks were understanding and let us just veg a lot. Very low-key visit, which was greatly appreciated by all parties, I think.

Looking all handsome with their new hair cuts for Grandma and Grandpa!

Have to go to Twin Beans at least once per visit. It's tradition.

Got them hooked on Mexican Train. We played quite a few rounds.

Rob has been learning to cook lately, so he made them muffins by himself one day. He was super proud.

Like I said, we did a whole lot of just this. It was nice.

On our last day with them, we took them out to Murtaugh Lake. It was really smokey from surrounding fires, but we decided to risk it.

Here's Matt and Drew kayaking together. We bought this little kayak for Rob, but he's already took big for it. It's perfect for Drew, though! Guess we'll have to save up and find Rob an adult one for next season.

Rob just wanted to swim. Swim, swim, swim. He's a fish.

I felt bad that Brinley kept getting left at home, so we decided to take her with us. We even somehow coaxed her into Matt's kayak -- she LOVED it! I totally expected her to freak and bail, but she sat there, totally chill, and rode around the lake.

Rob in Matt's kayak, which he liked much better than the little kayak, and Drew in "his" kayak. They were playing "battle boats", which was basically an excuse to ram into each other. Whatever.

Just chillin'.

Me and my love. <3

Me and my mini me. <3 (Rob was too busy swimming.)

Grandma with the boys. This woman's heart is bigger than she is.

We take a picture of the boys with Dad and Kathy every year to show how much the boys have grown. I cherish these. Love these two so very much.

Nana, Aunt Janice & Cousin Emily Visit

As the title suggests, Cher, Jan, and Em came to visit us! We mostly sat around, ate, laughed, and played games -- it was fantastic. Miss them already, but they'll all be back for Christmas -- yay!!!

After dinner, we played Watch Your Mouth. Well, THEY played WYM. I watched and laughed at them.

Drew was drooling like a Saint Bernard with a glandular condition. Some things never change.

Then we introduced them to Kubb! If you're not familiar with this awesome yard game, go look it up on YouTube. It's a little complicated to learn at first, but once you start playing it, it all makes sense. This was a huge hit!

And now for the gymnastics portion of our night...

We rounded the evening out with a tame-ish game of Mexican Train. Ignore Jan's phantom hand and Matt's crybaby face.

I have never laughed so much in my life. What a fun weekend!

Family Outing

Today, we took a little family trip to Niagara Springs/Crystal Lake to have a picnic and let Daddy "test" out his new-to-him kayak!

I forgot how beautiful and peaceful it is down here!

Drew waiting for his ride to come back for him.

Off they go!

Unfortunately, Rob had to stay on land because of his wound. He was so bummed.

Personally, I'm perfectly content to sit here and knit and listen to the springs.

What a fun afternoon!

Rob Is TEN!

Happy birthday, Rob!

Blow out your candles!

Man, they're tough to blow out!

Hey! Something's off about these candles!

They're TRICK CANDLES!!!