Change of Heart

We had a bit of a scare this month, where I thought there was a strong possibility I was pregnant again. It's embarrassing to admit, since we're trying to hard to prevent that from happening. It was mainly the embarrassment that made me freak out about it to begin with. I was scared to tell my family; to see the disappointment on their faces. I was afraid to tell my church, fearing that my "anti-baby" attitude as of late would draw mocking (or they would stone me for being a hypocrite). I was even afraid of telling Matt, in fear of, again, putting more pressure on him to provide for a growing family. I now know that all these things are unjustified and ridiculous fears. Yes, my folks would be shocked and probably concerned, but they'd eventually get over it. Our church, though playful, would be behind us 110% and would rejoice with us. And Matt? He would be the unfaltering support he's always been for me and our boys, and would take it with humor and grace. As the month drug on and the certainty of expecting became more solidified, we actually started getting excited at the idea and welcomed it - despite it's untimeliness and difficulty of the task we were facing. The thought of God blessing us again, out of the blue, using the slightest of chances, was overwhelming. We were stoked. Scared, but stoked.

I don't know if it was my mind or my hormones that tricked me first, but I am, without-a-doubt, not pregnant. It hit me harder than I thought it would, judging by the "I'm-never-having-another-one-ever-again" mentality I was sporting before all this. I'm even surprised that I got so excited and joyful over the idea to begin with. As you remember from my prior post concerning adding on, I was ready to call it quits at two. Why I was experiencing symptoms that completely convinced me that I was for-sure pregnant, I will never know. I do, however, think it was no mere coincidence. I do believe God was trying to reveal our hearts to us on the matter. And soften them.

We're not ready right now. We know that for certain. We're enjoying our season right now and want to be smart about this. But in the next year or two, we're open to the idea. We would really love to have that one, last child that we've been on the fence about and then be done, permanently. It's in the Lord's hands, now.

My boys make me go insane most days. It's no secret. I whine and complain about it far too much. I'm not perfect. But I do cherish what God has entrusted me with - the ability to carry, bear, and raise precious children in His name. There is nothing more fulfilling than to hold your flesh and blood for the first time and for the rest of your life, knowing they come as a blessing and reward from the Lord. They may drive me nuts, but they are so very precious to me and I love them with every ounce of my being. I'm willing to sacrifice my sanity just for them. =)