Just some stuff weighing on my heart, lately...
There seems to be a significant baby boom in our congregation in the past year or two. Five were born just this year alone and many are on the way. A dear family just announced on Sunday that they were expecting their fifth, in fact. With all these babies popping up, I can't help but feel a little guilty that I don't share their excitement for another child.
Now, here's my disclaimer: I'm not picking on anyone here, so don't stone me. I have nothing negative to say against large families.
In a way I'd love to have another, but then again it's a lot more complicated for us than just, "Hey! Let's have another baby!" No argument that there's many, many joys of welcoming a new child into the world, and the birth of our two boys were two of the happiest moments of my life, but then again there's much I don't miss at all. I don't miss the aches and pains of pregnancy or the risks it brings for me, the long stay in the hospital, away from my boys, trying to juggle healing from surgery, while trying to care for a newborn along with my already-existing responsibilities, the heartache and embarrassment of not being able to breastfeed, or the possible turmoil of "Drew's first year" all over again. And the cost? Yikes. Gives me a stomach ache just thinking about it. In fact, I think that might be the biggest deterrent of them all. I never, ever wanted cost to be a determining factor, but when you end up forking over an out of pocket cost of $6,000-$8,000, you really do have to think twice about adding on to your family.
I'm sad to think Drew will be our last. I really am. I really wish I shared my sisters-in-Christ's heart for children, but I also have to weigh everything else at stake, too - the money, the stress, my health and sanity, etc. Our situation seems greatly different from theirs and I just don't think we can do it again. I can't just have a home birth or breastfeed as long as I want and no midwife will touch me. It's not that simple. It's horribly hard for us and I really think that's what it boils down to.
Obviously, it's the Lord's will to do with us as He pleases and it would be atleast another year or two before we would even try for another, but for now, we're content as we are; a cozy family of four, who's finally found some peace in our household and some extra space we've been longing for. How could I possibly want to uproot all that?
"...Nevertheless, not my will, but yours, be done." - Luke 22:42
