As I said in my New Year's post, things haven't been the easiest for us during the past year. 2011, so far, hasn't been much different. In a way, things have gotten worse.
The boys are growing and presenting new sides of their personalities that has really stretched Matt and I as parents lately. Rob has become increasingly more defiant in a lot of areas. He's becoming his own little person and he wants to do things *his* way. This usually conflicts with what the rest of us would like, of course. We have also seen his snotty, nasty side rear it's ugly head quite frequently. We are determined to remain consistent with discipline, guidance, and love, but it gets wearing sometimes. Drew is still moody and is constantly into everything, which makes doing anything other than watching him 24/7 incredibly difficult. I'd contain him in his crib or playpen, but he'd scream bloody murder. So, I get up to chase him a bajillon times while the dishes sit for another day. Frustrating. Rob and Drew very much have a love/hate relationship. They either are playing and laughing with one another or they're screaming at each other. Typical, I suppose, but still hard to get used to.
For the past two or three paychecks, we've been pretty tight because of all the holidays (i.e. Christmas, New Year's, and Martin Luther King Day) Matt has had off. His holidays are paid, but he loses his overtime to make up for the difference, cutting his checks very short. We were barely scraping by before, but now we're hurting. Between short checks and many out-of-the-ordinary expenses, I'm praying for a miracle that we can somehow pay our rent next month, let alone cover all our bills. Also, we've noticed our food bill growing with our boys (and the price increase of food in general). Mixed with Rob's new special dairy-free diet and having to buy extra formula for Drew, we have been spending more on groceries than our budget allows, making things even tighter. Food stamps might be in our near future. My pride hates that idea and hates to admit it.
My depression continues. I find it difficult to get out of bed and face my day sometimes and I've stopped wanting to go to church. I don't want people to see me like this and ask questions. It's embarrassing. More pride. I kept it hidden as best I could for a long time, but now I've been forced to seek help, if only just to be able to function on a day-to-day basis. God has sent me some spectacular people (two in particular - my husband being one of them) to help me get on my feet again. It's been incredibly hard to subdue my pride (there's that pride again!) in order to accept help and let people in to my "crazy bubble". Trust is not one of my strong points. But through this, I'm seeing my marriage become stronger and the potential for a close friendship to form. It's still scary to walk through unfamiliar and uncomfortable terrain.
We will conquer this storm, but only through Christ, who has redeemed us. Only God has the strength to endure these hardships. We are only weak vessels that will break on our own. May God grant us the faith to make it through to see the other side of these trials. All for our good and His glory. Prayers appreciated.
